Through the eyes of Carol
by DBlanche
Summary: Price of Salt entirely from Carol's perspective. Ever since I've read this masterpiece, I couldn't help but wonder - what if the book was written from Carol's point of view? What if Carol was the one observing Therese? What kind of person she actually was and what was going through her mind? Now, I'm no Highsmith (wish I had her talent) but I'd like to know what you think
1. Chapter 1

Barbara, Fred`s fifty-something secretary, dressed in what she surely thought was a smart outfit, could be barely seen behind mountains of paperwork that covered her entire desk. She had been working in the office for more than two decades now, that meant she sat at the same desk for more than twenty years day after day doing the same thing - sorting, filing, preparing and checking divorce documents. The volume of it meant that 1952 wasn't a good year for married people. Such monotonous type of work seemed tedious beyond belief, but not for Barbara. She seemed to be still enjoying it.

Something she saw in one of the papers truly caught her attention. She stopped in her tracks, her eyes narrowed and she suddenly frowned. She brought the paper closer to her and looked at it closely as if she had never seen anything like it before, as if she just made a discovery. Moments later she casually pushed the paper aside and continued her robotic movements , perplexed expression was gone and her face went back to it's normal state - emotionless.

Carol sat in a chair by the window, desperately trying to make herself comfortable. She observed olive green walls that were in an urgent need of a fresh coat of paint; still-life paintings that hung on the wall and really didn't fit in with the rooms décor; beige carpet that seemed to be falling apart from an old age; dreadful burgundy flower curtains that made the room look even more tasteless than it already was. `Depressing` - she thought. She had the very same thought every time she sat in that chair waiting. Her divorce lawyer, Fred, was late. This was becoming a trend of his. She lighted her fourth cigarette. Waiting made her tense.

Barbara didn't seem to take any notice of her being there; she was so immersed in the world of bureaucracy, Carol felt she had no right to interrupt her, even if it was just to ask where the hell Fred was and how long will she have to wait.

He rushed in trough the door and immediately apologised for being, yet again, late. His face was red and sweaty as if he just ran a marathon.

`Can we make this quick, Fred? Is there something I need to sign?` - Carol was anxious, slightly annoyed even. It was her fifth or eight meeting with him within the last two weeks and she simply felt exhausted. Fred had promised her the divorce from Harge will be quick and painless, however it seemed to be dragging for months. She couldn't work out why. Both her and Harge agreed to have a joint custody of Rindy, their soon to be five year-old.

`About the house...` - said Fred in his monotonous and emotionless voice, that was so suitable for a lawyer, it was almost ironic. He was a good lawyer and Carol paid him a good chunk of money but recently she found him to be intolerable. Not because of his lateness and bad time management, but simply because he was failing to deliver his promises.

`What about it?` - Carol asked with a quizzable look. `I don't care about the house. We'll sell it, or he can buy my half off me. I'll sign the papers now if he wants me to. Does he?`- her tone was rising.

`No, no. I don't have the papers just yet, we're still...`- he tried to elaborate but Carol wasn't having any of it.

`Look, Fred, I want this over with. You do what you need to do, what you get paid for and what , I hope, you are competent to do.` - deep breath. `Call me once it's done`- she moved towards the door. Fred knew she wasn't the one to argue with. Afterall he felt sympathy for her, even though she was certain he wasn't capable of such feeling. They shook hands in an agreement before she left his office. An agreement that he will do whatever it is in his power to finalise the divorce and custody matters before Christmas.

She sat in her car thinking. These meetings always made her so emotionally drained she felt she can no longer continue. It's been months since she and Harge separated. She wasn't as strong as she may seemed or thought she was. Most importantly, underneath it all - her well established facade - was a very emotional and fragile soul. She came across being aloof, even distant, and she frequently wondered did she ever let anyone see her softer side? Will she?

Carol started the car and tried to push these thoughts aside; not think of her failed marriage, the divorce battle yet to come, her little angel Rindy being ripped apart, tossed from one house to another, but of something positive. `Right. Christmas.` - she murmured. She thought of satin bows, red and green, how she'd tie them nicely around presents she'd wrap. She thought of giant glass baubles, that'd she'd hang on the Christmas tree with Rindy and how marvellous it'd look. She imagined picking a Christmas tree, the biggest she could find, and how it's scent would fill the house. She envisioned wrapping presents and writing festive greetings. Her mind wandered as far as what those greetings will say. She'd scribble something personal and sweet in each one of them. Just when she finally felt at ease, it hit her that this might be her first Christmas alone. She knew she had Rindy till Christmas Day before Harge takes her to his parents house. She also knew that Harge, whether the divorce will be finalised by then or not, will try to pursue her to spend the holidays with him and his abnoxious family. Her face became sad. She vividly remembered last Christmas, his pretentious mother making derogatory remarks just about anything Carol did - whether it was the way she dressed, the way she ate, talked, breathed, moved... She never liked Carol and , truth to be told, Carol never liked her. She never thought of Carol as a 'suitable' wife for Harge or a good enough mother for Rindy. Just the thought of having to spend a day with her in the same room was revolting. Spending Christmas alone wasn't such a bad idea.

`I have Abby.` - the thought comforted her. Her good old Abby, only true friend and confidant. Friends since they were little girls, close as sisters however very different personas. Abby was always very easy going while Carol was more reserved and aloof. Regardless of their personalities being diametrically opposed, they managed to keep their friendship alive for years and seemed it grew stronger as the time passed. Only Abby knew how utterly alone Carol was, long before the divorce gained it's momentum. Only her knew how to truly reach Carol, yet she still fell flat. Carol's mysterious and fey nature was a conundrum to Abby but her love for Carol wasn't undiminished because of that.

Carol contemplated where Abby was. She'd missed her. They saw each other last Tuesday before Abby hit the road for another trip of hers, this time off to Philadelphia. To see her friend Mary, whom she met last year at a party, she said.

She drove home to get changed and hoped Abby was free to meet her for early drinks at Metz's, their favourite restaurant in the the city.

`Maybe tomorrow night then. Call me. Bye.` - Carol put the phone down. Abby had said no, she was setting off to her parents for dinner and won't be back till at least 9pm. And then she has a party to attend to, which Carol has been invited to. `To cool off ya know, we'll have a blast!` - Abby said vivaciously. Carol smiled, she admired Abby being so childlike.

She wasn't attending any parties tonight. There was nothing to celebrate. All she wanted was to have a couple of drinks while Abby babbled about her trip to Philly and what a blast she had, how many interesting people she met and what was next on her travel itinerary. Abby's jabber was somewhat therapeutic.

The clock hit 12pm. The house was oddly quiet. She could barely hear the housekeeper's clatter in the kitchen. Carol slouched on the sofa in the living room smoking. She had her eyes fixed on the log burner. Suddenly her expression changed. In a blink of an eye, as if she just got hit by lightning, she got up and ran up the stairs.

Carol came down wearing her favourite dress, mid-calf navy one, which according to Harge's mother was ostentatious and not suitable to be worn in public. The dress accentuated her slim figure but was far from anything pretentious. Carol never considered her attire, not even her ecru mink coat, extravagant.

She made a decision to drive into town and buy Rindy a Christmas present.

It was starting to snow as she was turning out of her driveway.

The snow got worse and worse the closer she got to the city. City centre was manic. The traffic was unbearable. Funny how a few snowflakes caused such chaos. Moreover, every traffic light was red. Every car in front drove too slow. Every car behind sounded it's horn. Pedestrians, like a flock of sheep, wandered through the streets in a desperate search of their shepherd.

Carol's jar of patience was running low rapidly. Driving was not an option and after an agonising struggle she finally managed to park her car blocks away from her destination. She stood by the car considering her next move . The idea of finally getting Rindy's Christmas present that she so very much wanted, especially since Carol left it for so long, propelled her out of her stillness.

Now Carol was the one of the flock, that lost sheep, navigating across an ocean of holiday shoppers as if they've just remembered that Christmas was in a week's time. Some were rushing through the streets as if they were running for their lives, some were slowly strolling daydreaming. `Frankenberg's! Frankenberg's! Frankenberg's!` - Carol sounded like a broken record murmuring to herself; passers-by must've thought she was nuts. She knew exactly where the store was but this time it was taking her twice as long to get there, as if she was stuck in a maze and moved in circles.

Her feet started to ache and now she hated herself for leaving the car. She stopped to light a cigarette and a few long drags later she literally got bulldozed by a group of young women rushing into the nearby store. Who , by the way, didn't even stop in their tracks to apologise for such a rough contact. Carol could barely keep her lid on.

Moments later, in about 30 yards in front of her, there it was - Frankenberg's. She had finally arrived.


	2. Chapter 2

Whoever was in charge of decorating Frankenberg's for Christmas this year surely knew their craft well. The more, the merrier seemed to be this years trend. Giant red garlands, that matched the colour of the carpet by an entrance, hanged down from high ceilings. Countless Christmas trees, decorated with green and white baubles, were scattered by every counter. Staircase, that led to different departments within Frankenberg's, handrail was wrapped in red and silver tinsel, that was being pulled away by an old lady who was slowly clambering her way up the stairs. Empty cardboard boxes, neatly wrapped in checked paper, were serving as presents and were laid out on the floor next to Christmas trees. Cut-out white paper snowflakes adorned bland walls. Store clerks were all wearing Santa hats and just like every year seemed to be loathing it. Loudspeakers, hidden in the corners, were blaring Christmas tunes. It all was definitely meant to look beautiful. Carol, however, thought it was a bit over the top, grandiloquent even, but so was every other store at this time, so close to the holidays. It somewhat felt like a razzmatazz.

She soon found herself on the third floor, Frankenberg's toy department. She knew there was another toy department located in one of the ground floors, however she always bought Rindy's presents here. Seemed like the toys they sold here were the ones Rindy found difficult to get bored of.

Carol checked her purse. Yes, she still had the piece of paper with a doll's name written on it. If only it told her where to find it. Carol disliked shopping. Even though she could afford to splurge, it never brought her any satisfaction. As a matter of fact, it made her nervous. She wanted to ask one of the department clerks for help but they were all busy helping other shoppers. She watched them patiently listen to customers who explained what they were looking for, frequently nod their heads in agreement, guide them through the departments. Carol saw floor managers gesticulate frantically, as if they were conducting a symphony, it made her laugh. `Poor people` - she thought watching yet another store clerk being called aside to `have a word` with management.

A train set in a glass display, that was oddly positioned in the centre of the room, caught Carol's attention. The glass was covered in finger prints that proved she wasn't the only one showing interest in it. Not that she knew anything about train sets.

She watched the train move frivolously in it's oval tracks and was somewhat hypnotised by it. Her eye lids felt heavy and she closed her eyes for a moment. She could still hear slightly maddening noise the train made and it was now exacerbated by a bunch of boys encircling the display. She took a step back and turned her head.

Their eyes met for the first time, a quick glance that was interrupted by shoppers trying to find their way through the store. Carol moved aside and saw the girl still looking at her from her counter. It was a look of amazement, and full of sincere interest, unlike the nonchalant looks store clerks usually gave customers who approached their counters. Being pushed by an invisible force she was unable to fight, Carol moved towards her. Carol thought the girl to be in her early twenties; she might have been wrong since she herself looked much younger than she was. Her simple, somewhat dull, attire consisted of black pinafore dress and white shirt underneath. Carol found her beautiful, her youthful complexity and peach-like skin was glowing. She didn't look like she was Frankenberg's material. She wasn't anything like other Frankenberg's employees whom Carol had seen since she started shopping here years ago. She somehow didn't fit here, as if she was too good, too pure and too young to be working here. On the other hand, she looked far from extraordinary and somewhat plain but Carol's interest in her remained undiminished.

`I'm looking for this doll` - Carol said casually as she pulled out a note from her purse. The note was a wrinkled mess and she spent a moment smoothing it before she gave it to the girl.

`Unfortunately, these are sold out.` Carol could barely hide her disappointment. `Would you be interested in some other ones we have?` - she sounded sincere, there was a hint of sympathy in her voice as if she understood how much that doll meant to Carol.

There was a long pause between them, but it far from awkward one. Actually, Carol quite enjoyed their gaze. She focused on her bluey-green eyes for what seemed ages. All of a sudden, there was a change in the girl's expression, her cheeks became red and she looked bewildered. Just then Carol realised that she had ignored the question. `Yes please, if you could.`. Few boxes appeared on the counter in front of Carol shortly. Just as she was reaching for two more, Carol jumped in:

`What about that train set over there?` - a beat. `Do you know much about them?`.

To Carols amazement the girl knew a lot, probably much more than she knew about dolls. Enough ,anyway, to pursue her in buying it. `Mrs. H. F. Aird` - Carol wrote on a delivery slip. Truth to be told she hated signing under Harges name, even though she was still legally his wife and still wore her wedding ring. The girl seemed to be a complete novice in store operations, she was uncoordinated in her movements and Carol wondered why the girl was so nervous. She kept her eyes on her the entire time, watched her trembling hands fill in the delivery and payments details, sheepish smile appear and disappear from her face, her eyes catch a glimpse of Carol.

`There Mrs. Aird, your copy of receipt.` - her voice was unsure as if she might and probably have made a mistake.

Carol took the receipt, folded in half and deposited it in her purse. `Thank you. Merry Christmas` - she gave the girl one last look. She hoped she'd see her gain, that this wasn't their first and last meeting, she wished they'd meet again. Most awkwardly, she felt she'd developed feelings, but she couldn't work out what those feelings were; she couldn't even find the reason why she was so flabbergasted by this girl.

She spent the night thinking. Her fixation with the shop girl had reached new heights. Carol couldn't get her out of her mind. Was she falling in love with the shop girl or was she simply losing her mind?


	3. Chapter 3

Carol woke up from what she considered to be good night's sleep. Her body stretched out like a giant starfish. She enjoyed having whole bed to herself and not having to suffer sleepless nights next to Harge who frequently snored like a tractor. She still had her eyes closed and relished the moment between wakefulness and sleep. She thought of Rindy, how much she'd missed her and how excited she was to see her tomorrow when Harge brings her over at lunch time. Carol envisioned her exuberant Rindy unwrapping presents on Christmas morning; it made her warm inside. She wished she'd be there with her, but reality had other plans. Rindy will spend Christmas with Harge's family, away from her mother; it broke her heart. However, she knew she couldn't possibly be there, even if it was for hew own daughter's benefit. There were no words to describe Carol's love for Rindy but she wasn't able, and couldn't anymore, sacrifice her own sanity. Her marriage was long dead and she couldn't wait to free herself. It wasn't a loveless marriage, Carol did love him once, otherwise she would've not married him. She knew Harge loved her too and probably still did, otherwise he wouldn't so desperately try to save their marriage. Carol was always against the idea that it is better for children to suffer a bad marriage than to cope with divorce. Would Rindy rather see her parents fighting and not get divorced? Carol understood well that various activities involved with a divorce could severely damage Rindy, she could even lack a sense of belonging and become very confused. But it was the road Carol was prepared to take.

Carol came downstairs, into the kitchen, and watched Martha prepare breakfast. She worked as their housekeeper since Carol and Harge bought the house seven years ago. Martha had no children, or family, of her own and treated Carol as her own daughter. Carol appreciated her mothering behaviour since she herself lost her mother at a young age.

Carol lighted a cigarette and inhaled smoke deeply. She felt her fingers tips tingle. Martha gave her a solicitous look. She would frequently make remarks about smoking but every time Carol dismissed it as balderdash.

All of a sudden they heard a car pull up in the drive-way. Carol deeply hoped it wasn't Harge. It was Abby, with her car top down in late December. To say she was a renegade would an be understatement.

Carol greeted her by the front door, still in her night robe and slippers.

`Will you come in already?! It's cold!` - she rushed Abby in.

Abby, still in her last night's garb, looked somewhat bedraggled. Her mascara smudged under both eyes, hair strands poking out of what probably was a perfectly sleek bob. She'd soon tell Carol it was a marvellous party. But first, she needed coffee. The party wrapped up only an hour or so ago, she drove straight to Carol's. `I knew you'd feed me breakfast` - she guffawed at herself and her silly joke. Carol liked having Abby around, she was buoyant and managed to make her laugh.

Abby Gerhard was eleven months younger than Carol, she liked to emphasize this just to piss her off, still single and very much enjoying it. She was always on the brink of something exciting; an adventurous spirit. She and Carol worked at at furniture store together before she met Harge. Abby was also Rindy's godmother.

`You shoul've came to the party last night Carol` - Abby drank her coffee and was lighting a cigarette. Martha put the plates on the table, excused herself and left them both in the kitchen.

`This looks delicious!` - Carol said. `I wasn't in the mood for parties you know...`.

`And that's exactly why you should've came! You need to get out of this house more before you become one of those crazy people no one wants to talk to` - Abby gave her a smile.

`I`m fine. I couldn`t keep up with your parties anyway, I'm old you know` - they both laughed. `Are we still set for Christmas?` - a beat. `Harge is picking up Rindy on Christmas Eve`.

`Of course, there're no changes. I've even wrapped your and Rindy's presents already, what do you think of that? Impressed?` - Abby was proud of it, as if she achieved something important.

`No kidding` - Carol said with a hint of sarcasm.

`Look, thanks for the coffee, I should probably go and get some sleep, God knows - there might be another party for me to attend tonight!` - she laughed and kissed Carol on a cheek goodbye. She promised she'd call Carol tonight, when her head was more functional, to tell her all scandalous details of the party she so much enjoyed.

Carol, still at the kitchen table, reminisced about the time she and Abby worked together at a furniture shop. She remembered how much she enjoyed that job and how devastated they both were when the shop had to close due to bankruptcy. Carol hasn't worked since she married Harge, there was no need for it, Harge was from a wealthy family, with a successful career and a well paid job. Besides, he never wanted Carol to work; and was quite vocal about it. Ironically, he spent more time at work with clients and possible investors, at business lunches and functions, than with his wife and daughter. He thought a woman's place was in the house, raising children. This was one of many reasons why their marriage was not meant to last. Carol could write an entire list of reasons but what purpose would it serve? She blamed herself for her failed marriage and for her lack of trying to make it work as much as she blamed Harge.

Her mind wandered back to Abby. She was aware that Abby too blamed herself for Carol's marriage problems since Harge found out about their short-lived affair. Carol never admitted this to anybody, not even herself, but to this day an affair with Abby was a phenomenon for her. It happened so naturally as if it was meant to be. Carol never considered herself being gay, or even attracted to women, so when she developed romantic feelings for Abby, she was baffled. Carol didn't expect, or ever imagined of falling in love with a woman, much less her best friend. Was it real or was she dreaming? There was no answer to that. What bemused her even more was Abby's response; her feelings for Carol were identical. She remembered the first time they kissed and how perfect, and also very alienesque, it was. She knew she loved this person, but didn't necessarily put a label on her feelings. Her sexuality was a private affair.

Years after an affair ended, Carol realised that Abby's feelings towards her were still very much alive, but she somehow managed to lock them up and remained a dutiful friend. `It's over.` - Abby's eyes filled with tears and the was no way she could conceal her pain, as if someone just ripped her heart out. Carol sensed these were the words that hurt Abby the most. The apology that continued afterwards, the explanation and various reasons why they couldn't be together didn't hurt her more than that. Carol was certain she'd lost a friend that day. Truth to be told, she did, for a while. Abby disappeared for weeks; she needed some time away after Carol's rejection. Carol never knew what she was going through, but imagined it being ugly. She herself was miserable after their break-up and sometimes wondered that perhaps she had made a mistake. Being with Abby made her happy so why did she say no? Was it fear she felt? She never found answers to these questions either.

Three weeks after their break up she got a call from Abby. She sounded as if nothing had happened and invited Carol to dinner. They barely spoke about it ever again.


	4. Chapter 4

Just as promised, Abby called Carol later that evening. She was back to her exuberant chirpy self and told Carol all about the party she went to last night. Smile never left Carol's face the whole time she was on the phone, Abby was a marvelous story teller. Three quarters of an hour later she was still babbling and Carol was lighting her fourth cigarette. By no means she was bored; she enjoyed conversations with Abby very much. It seemed these conversations was the only thing she enjoyed recently; only thing that kept her sane and even though she very rarely attended those parties, Carol was very interested in hearing all about them still. From what she remembered there was nothing stellar about it, but somehow Abby made it sound magical. Making everything sound magical, marvelous and extraordinary was Abby's trait. And God, she was damn good at it.

Carol was starting to feel sluggish and thought it'd be best to call it a night. She put the phone down and moved towards the bed. Only a couple of hours and she was going to see Rindy. She'd missed her. Days spent apart dragged like weeks. Not to see Rindy every day was agonizing. She hated the idea of Rindy not growing up in a family and being tossed from one house to another. That was not the life she wished for her daughter, yet it was all she could provide.

`DIVORCE` was like a curse word that lingered on and on; like a dirty label Carol would be forced to wear. Ever since she was a little girl she idolized marriage as being a sacred thing, `till death do us part`. She wished and hoped she was lucky enough to find that one, right, person for the rest of her life. Little did she know then that reality always had different plans.

Soon after marrying Harge she realised marriage was a continual compromise. She certainly loved him dearly but there are only so many compromises a person can make. `Suffocated` - she cried her heart out to Abby one time over drinks not long after they married, just when Harge's rigid personality started to clash with hers.

`Every bean has it's black!` - Abby's futile attempt to comfort her.

They'd meet up with the same agenda, Abby pouring Martini's while Carol lights up another cigarette and conceals her tears, again and again. Carol would open up about her doubts and worries as if her life was an unrelenting Groundhog Day of quarrelling with Harge. As if they both weren't the same people, as if the pieces didn't fit anymore. Harge never made peace with Abby and was apt to suggest she was still interested in his wife and vice versa. Carol found these accusations ludicrous.

Not long after that Carol found herself pregnant. And it all changed. Her pregnancy somehow reconciled the conflict. At least for a while.

Soon after Rindy turned four, Carol, unbeknown to herself, became a spectator of her own life. She'd frequently sit motionless watching her life go by from a far. As if she got stuck somewhere in time and suddenly stopped living, as if her life became an existence and nothing else. Her only role was the one of a dutiful wife and mother; the role she didn't want to play anymore. All felt this was not her life, not the life she wanted to live. These thoughts terrified her at first, but she allowed herself to feel that way, was fine with it and knew she had the right to. Even her love for Harge was no longer present , as if it had an expiry date. Rindy was the pillar that kept Carol's world together, the one and only justification for Carol to push trough. However even her could not make Carol stay. She realised she could no longer make compromises and she'd be of no use as a mother if she'd keep living against her own sanity. One sunny afternoon in August Carol broke the news to Harge and it was when they both took a dreadful road towards a divorce.

Carol's body felt tired but her mind worked double time. She knew she wasn't going to sleep anytime soon. Her mind drifted back to Frankenberg's and she was rather dubious about the whole train set idea. `Will Rindy like it?` - she questioned herself rhetorically. All of a sudden she felt very foolish since she couldn't find a valid reason why didn't she buy a doll like she had planned to. Of course, the doll Rindy wanted was sold out, but couldn't she just buy her any other doll? Why the damn train set? `That's something Abby would do` - she mumbled. Sure that made sense, considering Abby was always the one for unusual gifts. Carol smiled as she remembered Abby giving Harge a fishing rod for his birthday and the expression on his face, sheer surprise and exasperation all at once. Expression worth a million bucks, no less. Carol knew Abby was fully aware of how much Harge detested fishing and considered it `an absolute waste of time`. Carol chuckled at this remembrance, the train set wasn't such a terrible idea now.

Moments later, for the first time that day, she thought of the girl at the doll counter. She mused on what her name could be? What was she like as a person? She sure seemed to be kind but was it only a well crafted act, masterfully directed by Frankenberg's management, was she obliged to be kind to Carol only because it was a part of her job? Uncertainty made Carol want to search for answers. The girl might have turned out to be dull, her personality might have been shallow or non existing whatsoever, but Carol's curiosity was too great. She wasn't willing to abandon her quest. Subconsciously Carol had developed a fixation on this girl. The more she thought of the girl, the more she was certain her feelings weren't purely platonic.


	5. Chapter 5

Harge brought Rindy just before breakfast. Bags under his eyes suggested he wasn't getting much sleep lately. Even his stance was somewhat different. Harges F. Aird, a son of a well known stock broker, now in his mid-thirties, who Carol have met nine years ago at party hosted by their mutual friend Robert. It wasn't love at first sight and it took a good couple of months for their feelings to gain momentum. Harge was, still to this day, a very handsome and extremely popular man among the ladies. He seemed to have the whole package – the looks, brain, wealth. However it was his attentiveness and kindness that won Carol's love. Even as a 'soon to be an ex-husband', he was still attentive, kind, loving and as handsome as he was those years ago, yet it didn't mean anything to Carol anymore.

Three of them had breakfast together. Carol's eyes never left Rindy, she didn't look at Harge once.

`Jeanette and William are hosting an early Christmas party tomorrow evening and I was hoping you'd join me` - this felt more a statement than a question.

Carol was expecting this. She knew he'd use this strategy to ask her in front of Rindy as if he had less chance of her saying no to him.

`I`d rather not Harge, this whole situation is already an awkward one...`

`But it doesn't have to be awkward. Jeanette and William would love to see you there, so would I. Can you not just do it, for old time sake?` - he seemed to be completely oblivious to what he was asking. The way he looked at her was an obvious manifestation that he wasn't ready to let her go, that he still had high hopes for their marriage to work and most importantly – he was still madly in love with her.

`Old time sake...` - Carol whispered. She felt herself giving in and loathed herself for it. She was so used to say yes than no. It was somewhat easier. The thought for a moment.

`Fine, I'll do it. For old time sake` - her voice was flat, emotionless. She lied. She didn't care about 'old time sake' in the slightest. The past must be left in the past. She'd said yes to avoid an argument; not because she felt she owed him.

`Thank you, I appreciate it.` - Harge gave her a barely visible nod. `My parents are having a...` - he continued.

`Harge, that's enough for now` - she cut him off. `More juice sweetie?` - she took Rindy's glass and moved towards the fridge. Harge understood Carol wasn't willing to discuss anything else with him that morning.

Harge stayed well after breakfast, much much longer than Carol was hoping he'd stay for. She wasn't sure whether it was for Rindy's or her benefit. Carol thought whether he anticipated Abby walking in through the front door. After all, Harge was a overly jealous creature.

He suggested they go and get a Christmas tree together, but Carol had firmly said no. She planned on getting one herself on Sunday so she and Rindy could decorate it together.

`Well, I shall get going then. I'll pick you up tomorrow at 7pm?` - he put his coat on.

`Thank you.` - she hid her dissatisfaction. Was too late to change her mind? He was gone before she could even consider it.

She put Rindy for an afternoon nap and only then she noticed a couple of letters on the cabinet in the hall. She couldn't remember seeing these when she came down this morning. `It must've been Harge who brought them on his way in` - she thought. The first one was from her friend Nancy who lived in Massachusetts. A hand made card with white snowflakes and reindeers, MERRY CHRISTMAS in capital silver letters. She'd send her and Harge a Christmas card every year, yet Carol hasn't seen her since Rindy's second birthday. `Sweet` - she thought. Carol not once sent Nancy a Christmas card, nor any card.

A brown envelope with New York's postal stamp on the right corner, her name and address neatly handwritten in black ink was in her hand. After a slight delay Carol ripped the envelope open and took out a card. It was one of those tragically impersonal cards, the ones people send each other just to be polite, the ones that mean literally nothing. `Special salutations from Frankenberg's` - Carol read it out loud. In an instant, the card was no longer impersonal. She knew it was HER who sent it. She knew it wasn't a newly introduced Frankenberg's 'let's send everyone a Christmas card' policy, it wasn't some unfortunate store employee being forced to write out thousands of meaningless cards long after they've finished their shift. No, it was a genuine act of kindness. She knew it before she even read the bottom part of it - `645-A`- which must've been, Carol was certain of it, an employee number in lieu of signature.

To say the least, Carol was bewildered. Touched, surprised and intrigued even more than before. She felt herself becoming somewhat euphoric and tried to calm herself down- `It's just a card. Just. A card.` But was it just a card? Carol toyed with the idea that perhaps she indeed have left a lasting impression on the brunette. To get in touch and at least thank her was the next move.

Three cigarettes and a dry Martini later, Carol found herself still staring at the telephone. She was wringing her hands in agitation. What will she say? Is it a good time to call? What if the girl is not there?

`Pull yourself together Carol!` - she took a deep breath. Her fingers dialled the number. Her heart skipped a beat.

She heard Christmas songs playing in the background, the ones she heard the other day at Frankenberg's, while she waited for Roberta, the lady who answered the phone, to go and get employee 645-A. Carol wondered whether the girl had to be pulled away from her mundane tasks, she envisioned Roberta snapping her fingers to get her attention and ushering other clerks to take over. She also imagined Roberta not being too happy with an employee taking personal calls during work hours.

`Hello?` - a quiet voice.

`Hello. I wanted to thank you for the Christmas card.` - Carol sounded more robotic than she ever imagined she could.

`Oh. You're -`.

`This is Mrs Aird. It was you who sent the card, wasn't it?` - she tried to sound casual and lively.

`Yes, yes it was me.` - a confession.

`Well I thought it was really nice of you to do so and I was wondering...` - she lost the track of her thoughts. `I was wondering whether you'd like to have lunch with me?` - Carol was now screaming inside. She didn't think it'd be so easy for her to vocalise her desire to see the girl again. She felt she was completely out of control with her words, as if her brain stopped working the minute she picked up that phone.

`Would you?` - she continued.

A pause. Carol held her breath and prepared herself for rejection of her offer.

`I'd love to; but you really don't have to...`

`Tomorrow good for you?` - Carol could not believe her eagerness.

Carol had agreed to meet the girl tomorrow at 1pm outside Frankenberg's. Just as she put the phone down, she realised she forgot to ask what her name was. And, just like before the phone call, Carol still knew nothing about this girl.

She could not wait for tomorrow.


	6. Chapter 6

`God damn it!` - the walls threw back the echoes of her voice. `Martha! Have you seen my gloves? Teal ones, with tassels on the sides?` - Carol's voice rose steadily in pitch, those gloves drove her into a frenzy of rage. She could've left without them, she was already dressed, yet would not stop rummaging through every draw, every closet, every bag she might have left them in. It was now 11:15. Even if she was to leave this minute, she'd already be late.

Martha, sensing Carol's desperation, came in to help.

`This is absurd! Things cannot just disappear! It's this fucking house, I swear! Nothing good ever happens here! - Carol's skin flushed, she was out of control. She hardly ever swore in front of Martha or when Rindy was at home, knowing she might hear it.

`I'll go and have a look downstairs` - Martha decided it'd be best to leave Carol alone.

Carol came downstairs 10 minutes latter wearing her teal gloves, with tassels on the sides, that matched her leather boots and purse. Her face was calm, not a sign of previous disarray. The madness have ended.

`Found the gloves in one of my drawers. Funny, that's where I always keep them...` - a grin. `I don't know what's gotten into me today, forgive me.` - Carol gave Martha and Rindy a kiss on a cheek and moved towards the door. She glanced at the mirror for one last time and fixed her already flawless hair. The smell of her perfume still lingered in the air long after she was gone.

The stream of traffic all the way to New York was light, yet Carol drove as fast as the car could go. She felt heart beat faster than usual, but

her mind was now a blank page that she'd fill in later and her body relaxed. Just when she pulled her car up across Frankenberg's, her knees felt week. She hesitated a minute then got out of the car looking out for the girl. Suddenly she felt sick with apprehension; the girl was nowhere to be seen.

`Damn it` - undertone. `Too late...` - she nervously checked her watch. Monumental sadness and disappointment filled every cell of her body. If only she could've gotten here earlier, if only she could've left those stupid gloves, if... No one else to blame but herself. She remained poised and nonchalant, even though it felt she died a little inside.

`Mrs Aird!` - she heard a voice from behind.

Carol turned around and their eyes met for the second time. The girl was now walking towards her; this day was sure full of pleasant surprises.

`I decided to wait inside the store, since it's too cold and you are...`

`Late...` - Carol interrupted. `I'm terribly sorry to keep you waiting, do you still have time for lunch?` - she wasn't sure if she could take 'no' for an answer.

`Yes`.

Carol had picked a restaurant just a few minutes away from Frankenberg's, since she wondered the girl must've only had an hour or so for lunch. An hour was all Carol had and she hoped this hour was going to be extraordinary. The restaurant Carol chose was reasonably quiet, not too extravagant, nor too shabby.

The found the seats in the red leather booth, in the left far corner. The seats were convenient, considering the type of their meeting and the fact that Carol wanted all the privacy she could get. Two dry Martini's, one with an olive and one without, been brought by a waiter to their table shortly. Neither women acknowledged him and he soon went back to his place behind the bar.

`Cheers` - Carol raised her glass to salute.

`Cheers` - the girl took a sip.

`Cigarette?`

`Yes. Thank you.`

Cigarette smoke lingered in the air and looked like a thick cloud just above their heads.

`I'm very grateful for your Christmas card you know.` - Carol said sincerely. `Do you send cards to all of your customers? I imagine it'd be thousands at this time of the year?`

`No, not everyone. Just you...` - the girl was now blushing.

Carol craved to know why. What was about her that made her do it? What was going through her mind, was she driven by an impulse or was it a thoughtful process? Carol dismissed the idea of questioning since the girl was already embarrassed.

`Are you ready to order?`

`Yes` - Carol said firmly, she was somewhat annoyed the waiter interrupted her thoughts. `I'll have cream spinach over poached eggs`.

The waiter turned his head to the girl.

`Same for me` - she quickly answered. Carol knew she hadn't even read the menu yet.

`So...` - a beat. `What is your name?` - Carol asked.

`Therese`.

`Therese? That's an unusual name. It's lovely` - Carol smiled.

`And yours?` - Therese asked.

`Mine? Don't you already...?` - silence. `It's Carol` - her mind fogged. Didn't Therese know her name already? What about a handwritten envelope? Has she forgotten it? Either way Carol was not willing to question. It made no difference whether Therese already knew her name or not, whether she knew her name at all.

`Carol` - Therese repeated.

`How long have you worked at Frankenberg's?` - Carol didn't necessarily want to talk about work, but since it was the only thread that loosely tied them two together, she had no choice.

`Not very long. Can you not tell?` - Therese smiled. `I'm leaving after Christmas`.

`I imagine working at a toy department can be pretty mundane` - Carol was wondering what brought Therese to Frankenberg's, why did she chose such a menial job.

Therese nodded.

Throughout lunch Carol had such a great deal of questions she wanted to ask, so many things she wanted to know, but something held her back. First of all, there wasn't enough time. She knew Therese was probably already late getting back to Frankenberg's and this misconduct of hers won't be swept under the carpet. Likely she'd be taken to a managers office to provide an explanation for such a rash behaviour; perhaps even threatened to lose her job and given a warning. Carol supposed big corporate machines like Frankenberg's would treat such a microscopic miss-step the same level as a catastrophe. Second of all, did it really matter? Would Therese's answers lessen Carol's affection? Did she care who Therese was or wasn't? Wasn't Carol already in awe of this young woman? What could she possibly say or do drive Carol away? She realised that entirety was irrelevant. Literally, nothing really mattered - where they were, what they drank, what they ate, was it cold, was it warm, was it day or night, what was Therese wearing, saying or doing. It was irrelevant. From what Carol then felt, Therese was magical. She could do no wrong.

With that in mind, Carol knew she had to see her again.

`What do you do on Sundays?` - Carol looked directly at Therese.

`Nothing in particular. What do you do?`.

`Nothing lately. I thought you might want to come visit some time? At least there is some pretty country around where I live. Would you like to come and visit me this Sunday?` - her speech was fluid.

Therese nearly choked on her soup. It didn't go unnoticed. Her astonished expression suggested she wasn't expecting an invitation.

`Yes` - there was no hesitance in her voice. Carol's soul light up.

`What a strange girl you are. Flung out of space.`

`You really don't have to!` - a pause.

`Please let me. That's my thanks for your Christmas card. ` - Carol insisted on paying their check. Not because she imagined Therese's wage being minimal, but because she truly wanted to.

`Thank you`.

`My pleasure`- it sure was. Carol felt uplifted.

`See you on Sunday`- Therese said.

`See you on Sunday` - Carol whispered. She watched Therese walk away. Carol's mind blurred. She found herself in a delicious half conscious state. Her body felt supremely relaxed as her tension was no longer present, as if she found herself in Nirvana.

Carol stopped at the florist on her way home. She smelled fresh flowers as if it was the first time, as if she never had a sense of smell. She bought a bouquet of yellow tulips, her favourite ones, even though the shop clerk desperately tried to persuade her buying roses. Carol was never fond of roses, it was too cliché.

`Miss Gerhard called` - Martha said as she opened the door for Carol. `Just after you've left. She asked if you could call her back`.

`Sure. Thanks Martha. Could you get these some water?` - she handed her the flowers. `Where's my little girl?` - Carol took her coat off and went upstairs.

Carol found Rindy in her bedroom drawing.

`How's my little girl? Did you draw mommy a picture?` -she took her shoes off and laid next to Rindy. `I missed you, did you miss me?` - her voice was gentle and soft. She squeezed Rindy in her arms.

`Are you hungry?`

`No, Martha and I made cookies.`

`Did you? Did you leave some for me? You know mommy likes cookies, don't you?`

`Yes! We did. In the kitchen!` - Rindy got up in an instant.

`Now sweetie, you go and tell Martha to make some tea, mommy needs to make phone call. I'll see you in a minute` - Carol completely forgot Abby's call. Rindy sprinted downstairs yelling `Martha! Martha!`.

`I went out for a drive` - Carol didn't want to lie but she did. She was not yet prepared to tell Abby about Therese. On the other hand, what was there to tell? Everything was a very uncertain ground.

`Where to? I was hopping you'd have lunch with me. What about drinks tonight? There's a new place on 5th, I could pick you up in an hour? Make it two, I need to wash my hair.`

`Wish I could Abby...` - said Carol.

`Ah what now? You're not in the mood? Seriously, Carol, when was the last time you and me had a night out? - Abby interrupted. Her tone was rising.

`I agreed to go to a party with Harge at Jeanette and William's tonight, he's picking me up... Damn it! Is that the time? - she looked at her watch. `Very soon! I'm not even dressed yet!`

`I see...` - Abby said after a pause. `I guess I'll have to let you off this time since he's _still_ your husband. But it's the last time, you hear!` - she yelled. Carol knew she was joking.

`I promise it's the last time` - Carol said in a childish voice. `Could you give me a lift home? In case Harge decides to drink tonight? I know I'll be drinking, fat chance I could last that party sober.` - they both laughed. Situation was both comic and tragic.

`Of course. Call me when you're ready to escape. Also, Carol?

`Yes?`

`Please wear your red dress tonight! Harge's mother might be there too , I'd like you to give that old prude a heart attack! - she giggled.

`I'll see what I can do` - Carol laughed and put the phone down.

Harge's mother, Lauren, was in fact there. As if someone hired her to stalk and intimidate Carol. As if her only motivation in life was to criticise her. Carol now regretted not wearing the red dress Abby mentioned to her.

`We weren't sure you'd come this evening` - she said with such false sincerity Carol was about to puke.

`I wasn't sure myself, Lauren.` - Carol's eyes searched for a waiter.

`I'm glad you did Carol` - Harge put his hand round her waist. Carol twitched and took a miniature step back. Such close proximity to him was unpleasant and she wasn't hiding it.

`Carol! Carol!` - someone shouted from a far. `Carol!` - once more and she turned her back.

`Jeanette! Nice to see you. How you've been?` - Carol was happy to see probably the only person she wanted to see of this whole masquerade.

`Glad you made it, me and William thought of you. You should visit more often`- Jeanette Murdoch, née Lawson, was in her late thirties, married to William Murdoch a well known surgeon. Carol met Jeanette and William in the furniture store, the same one she and Abby ran for a short while, when they were looking for furniture for their new house. Carol and Jeanette were never very close, and Carol would describe her more as an acquaintance than a friend. However she liked Jeanette, mostly for her honesty and ability to mind her own business, while the other so called friends, were too inquisitive for Carol's liking. Even tonight she was sick of them prying into her personal life. `Is everything all right? What have you been doing? What's new? How is everything with Harge? Have you considered getting back together? Are you not worried about the future of Rindy?` - were the questions Carol dismissed with revulsion. Ironically, people who very rarely saw or called her, people who never sent her a card, people who couldn't tell when her birthday was, were asking those questions. Every imbecile suddenly wanted to know how she was. Dissimulation at it's best.

Carol was hunting for excuses to cut this party short, as if the fact she hated it wasn't a good enough excuse. After the fourth Martini she was starting to feel tipsy. However she knew damn well she couldn't let herself loose - Harge was sober and might try to take advantage of her.

Even the idea of it gave her shivers down her spine. Although, alcohol made her promiscuous, she hadn't had any sexual relations since the divorce started which seemed to be ages now and she sure yearned release, it wasn't Harge she wanted.

She stood in the terrace smoking when Jeanette approached her again.

`Do you have a light?` - she asked Carol.

`I didn't know you smoke`

`I don't. Sometimes, when I'm drinking.` - she gave her a cheeky grin. `We're having Christmas dinner here, you're welcome to come. Not sure what your plans were since you and Harge...` - for the first time Carol felt sympathy in her voice.

`Thanks Jeanette, I've already made plans`

`Well, if anything changes, you know where we are. I should go and check on William, he's a bit injudicious with his whisky, needs to be told when to stop.` - she smiled and left Carol in peace.

`Men.` - Carol murmured.

Just when Carol thought the party couldn't get any worse, the dancing started. She hated dancing just as much as she hated it all those years ago when her mother forced her to attend dancing classes. Her teacher said she was talented and could be a great dancer one day, however Carol never enjoyed it, being forced to do something no matter how good you are at it wasn't something she agreed with.

Harge was a decent dancer too, not once he missed a step and not once he took his eyes off Carol. He complimented Carol's perfume and moved closer. Carol's body stiffened.

`Harge, I want to go.` - she couldn't bear it anymore.

`Why, we're having a good time` - she couldn't work out whether it was sarcasm or not.

`I'm going` - she tried to brake their embrace.

`Finish the dance, don't be embarrassing. I'll drive you home`

Harge drove her home like he promised. He then walked her to the door and all of a sudden, just as she was about to turn the key, grabbed her wrist.

`Come to my parents for Christmas` - he pleaded.

`Harge, please. Don't make this more complicated than it already is...`

`We had fun tonight, didn't we?`

`Goodnight Harge` - she kissed him on a cheek and closed the door behind her.

In the comfort of her home Carol's thoughts drifted back to Therese.


	7. Chapter 7

The next day Carol received a call from Fred who had news. Good or bad, he didn't say. She rushed to his office.

`The custody meeting has been postponed till after the holidays` - for once he was straightforward and she appreciated it.

`What? Why?` - she sat down, suddenly her knees felt weak.

`Look, I'll be honest with you. There seems to be some problems with the court hearing`

`How much is he paying them?` - Carol's bad temper was just below the surface.

`Who? What do you mean?` - Fred was genuinely confused.

`Harge! How much does he pay his lawyers to drag this thing for so long! He must have some connections in court too. Well of course, he's trying to drive me mad; thinks the longer he drags this, the more chance I'll give up. I won't! I won't!` - her voice roared. `He must have some ludicrous ideas of getting me...`

`I'm certain this is not the case. These things take a long time, Carol, especially when it comes to this time of year. Everything is shutting down for the holidays...including the court` - he tried to console her.

`Yes, yes, yes of course, because everyone wants to have a very merry Christmas...` - her cynicism was obvious. `How long it'll take, you think?` - she asked.

`My guess it'll be late March, early April. Perhaps earlier.`

`March?!` - she could not believe his words. Another three months in this misery wasn't something she thought she was capable of surviving.

`There's nothing _I_ can do? Nothing _you_ can do?` - she asked rhetorically.

`I'll let you know if anything changes, but meanwhile all we can do is wait` - Fred was becoming more and more uncomfortable with this conversation.

`All-right. I'll wait. What else am I going to do. Thanks for letting me know, Fred.` - she moved towards the door. She felt defeated.

* * *

`March? It'll fly by, you'll see!` - Abby said. `Do you want me to come over? I'll bring drinks, we'll talk...'

`Not tonight if you don't mind. Feel like being alone...` - Carol wanted to crawl into a hole and cry. March seemed to be light years away, plus that was only Fred's wild guess. What if it was April? May? June even? She doubted her ability to stay sane.

`Tomorrow? Try to stay positive darling, call me if you need anything` - how happy Carol was to have a friend like Abby, always there for her no matter what. Carol couldn't remember the time she had asked Abby how _she_ was, was _she_ happy, did _she_ need anything? Guilt was what Carol now felt; when did she become so self possessed and disregardful?

`Will do. Bye` - her eyes filled with tears. She took a deep breath and tried to organise her thoughts. Meeting with Therese was the only thought she wanted to elaborate on.

* * *

On the corner of Broad street she saw Therese, dressed in a black knee length coat, her neck wrapped up in a stripy green scarf with matching knitted hat, flat ankle boots that made her feet look tiny. Her nose was red from cold. Unlike the last time, Carol was on time.

`Jump in` - she opened the passenger door. She could barely hide her excitement to see her again, but still managed to remained poised.

`It's so cold today, I can't feel my toes!` - Therese said as she sat down and closed the door.

`Have you been waiting long? I'm not late, am I?` - she knew damn well she wasn't.

`I took a bus, it got me here earlier than I anticipated.`

Carol drove Therese to her house and it looked like it's going to snow. They barely spoke all the way, but the silence wasn't an awkward one. Carol, in the corner of her eye, caught Therese watching her. She smiled and kept her eyes on the road. They stopped at the tree lot. First snowflakes were just covering the trees. Therese stayed in the car since she still couldn't feel her toes from cold. Carol went out to pick a Christmas tree. She picked a big one, maybe too big to fit in the car, and waited for the boys to wrap it up. She glanced back to Therese. She was out of the car, her hands holding a camera pointed directly at Carol. She stood motionless for a second, possibly letting Therese capture a desired shot.

The tree almost didn't fit in, it was stretched out through the full length of the car and was like a barrier separating Carol from Therese. Carol found it very difficult to drive since she couldn't see anything on the right; Therese acted as her navigator.

`I wish my car was bigger`

`I wish the tree was smaller` - Therese replied. They both laughed. Carol's house was no more than 20 miles away.

Rindy and Martha met them at the door. Therese hesitated for a moment.

`Come on in, we'll warm you up` - Carol ushered her.

`Put the kettle on Martha, would you?`

`Yes, of course.` - she disappeared.

Therese observed the house intensely. Carol noticed her eyes widen as she entered the living room. The room was gigantic just like the house itself. Carol assumed Therese rarely visited houses like this. It made her think what her own house looked like. Was it an old tired house where more than two generations been brought up, perhaps it was a house with more residents than it's capacity could hold, a place with very little privacy for a young woman, she even might had to share a room with a sibling, if she had any, till she reached her teens and it simply became unbearable? It could be that she lived on her own, but was it a dingy apartment in one of those substandard neighbourhoods of New York people avoided at night with only a couple items of furniture? Whatever her house was, Carol mused it was far from a palace.

`The house is lovely. So spacious and well decorated`

`I don't know about well decorated but there's definitely enough space; too much if you ask me. I don't know what I and Harge were thinking buying such a big house just for two of us`

`Harge is your...husband?`

`Yes. Well, we're in the middle of divorce`

`Sorry to hear that`

`It's fine. _I'm_ fine`- she lied not just to herself but now to Therese as well.

Silence followed after their brief exchange. Carol's mind drifted back to her meeting with Fred. Meanwhile Martha brought tea and biscuits and Carol, Therese and Rindy sat down in the dining room. Carol watched Therese interact with Rindy, it was such a pleasant sight she barely said a word.

Afternoon agenda consisted of decorating the tree which, placed in the corner by the fire in the living room, looked somewhat smaller than it actually was. Carol was up and down the step stool for more than an hour hanging baubles, Rindy was co-ordinating the decorating changing her mind every two minutes.

`I want the green ones over there mommy. No, not those ones. These ones!`

`Why don't we hang the red ones first and then the green ones?`

`No! I want the green ones first!`- she was having a tantrum.

`Fine sweetie, we'll do the green ones first`- Carol gave Therese a grin.

`Kids!` - she then said.

* * *

`Do you play?` - Therese moved towards the piano and placed her glass on the top.

`Sometimes. Do you?

`Not very well unfortunately`

`Let's hear it`

She played 'Easy living' and it was the most relaxing sound Carol had heard. She sat on the sofa with her bare feet up on the table, a glass in one hand, cigarette in the other, watching the fire. It sure was _easy living._ Therese messed up few chords but kept playing. Carol found it endearing.

`Will you show me your photographs?` - Carol turned her head towards the piano.

`I haven't showed them to anyone, but I'll show _you_ if you'd like`

This reminded Carol of their lunch together the other day. She remembered Therese say 'No, not everyone...Just _you_ '.

Therese told Carol she'd like to be a photographer; it sounded as if it was more a dream than an aspiration. She also told her she kept her photographs under the sink in her apartment, away from the sight of everyone, even her boyfriend Richard who wanted to sail to France with her that spring. Therese told Carol many things, past and present, good and bad. It was the first time she and Carol had a chance to actually talk. The more they talked the more Carol found her stories spellbinding. She found Therese's perspective on life to be pure, not yet ruined by preconceptions, her ideas naïve and childish sometimes. Carol understood Therese had very little experience in just about everything. She hadn't yet worked out how the world works.

It was refreshing. Therese reminded Carol of her younger self and she wondered how much she had changed, and what a shame it was.

* * *

Both women lost track of time, the clock struck midnight. This meant two things. First, Therese missed the last train back to New York. Second, she was staying over. No way on this earth Carol was driving her back. Not because she probably had one drink too many to be able to drive, but simply because she didn't want to. She didn't want Therese to leave, and from what she saw, Therese didn't want to leave either. Carol, obviously, didn't vocalise her thoughts. Just the idea itself was exhilarating; she was somewhat smitten by it.

Carol lead Therese to the room upstairs, one of the three guest rooms that were very rarely occupied. As they were walking down the corridor Carol placed her hand gently on Therese's shoulder. Her body trembled from contact, but so did Carol's. The sheer magnetism of her physical presence was overwhelming, as if she just touched fire and got burnt. Carol removed her hand swiftly.

`Good night`

`Good night. Thanks for letting me stay`

Carol winked instead of giving a reply. She walked back to her room, closed the door behind her and stood there for a minute or two. Then a smile flashed on her face. A smile of pure contentment. A smile she went to bed with. A smile she had woken up with.


	8. Chapter 8

`Walk with me` - Therese reached out for Carol's hand, her face was luminous and she had that dreamy look in her eyes. Their hands touched ever so gently and Carol felt tingling in her fingertips. She was starting to lose the sense of her body and felt incredibly light as if an enormous weight has been lifted off her shoulders. Carol walked through the grass that was wet with dew, her bare feet squelching soggy ground. She held Therese's hand in hers, their fingers intertwined.

`Where are we going?` - her own voice was different as if she heard herself from a distance.

`Hush. Don't say a word. Just walk with me`

Was _where_ important at all? Wouldn't Carol follow Therese even if it was to jump off a cliff with her?

On their left there was a clearing. Carol saw trees so green as if someone had painted them, her lungs filled with such clear air it made her feel dizzy, she felt warm sun caressing her skin, the scent of lily's filled her nostrils. She'd never felt so alive. All of a sudden Therese turned to her, gently brushed her hand through Carol's hair and opened her mouth to speak...

`Mommy! Mommy! Wake up!` - as a rule, Rindy woke Carol up just before 8am.

`Good morning my darling, did you sleep well?` - Carol asked with her eyes still closed. She didn't want to get up just yet so she pulled Rindy under the covers and wrapped her hands around her.

`You'll have to be quiet sunshine, we have a guest, remember Therese? She is still sleeping. You wouldn't want to wake her up, would ya?` - she whispered. She wondered if in fact Therese was still asleep. Perhaps she got up first but felt uncomfortable to wake Carol up? Even if she did it'd be too unnatural and brave for her to casually sit in the kitchen with coffee and wait for Carol, she thought.

`No` - Rindy whispered back.

`Good girl. Now, let's get you dressed`

* * *

A car pulled up in the driveway and Carol jumped to see who it was. She immediately thought it was Harge even though she wasn't expecting him till tomorrow afternoon. Him finding Therese in here would jeopardize their already complicated situation. _`Shit! Shit!`_ \- she exclaimed as Abby was getting out of her car. It was common for her just to turn up without an advanced notice, after all she was Carol's best friend and didn't really need an invitation. This time, however, Carol wished she'd given her the notice and hadn't just showed up. She quickly tried to figure out how to tell Abby about Therese, who was still asleep upstairs, before she'd stroll in wearing Carol's nightgown she borrowed last night. She could already picture Abby's perplexed expression and the myriad of questions that would follow. Carol wished Therese would hibernate in that room till at least Abby was gone, she wasn't ready to explain the situation and wasn't sure she could. Not just yet anyway.

`Abby! What a surprise, everything OK?` - her voice was both shaky and unnatural.

`All is fine. I went for a drive and just thought I'll swing by to see how you two were doing.`

`We're good. Fine. Very good. Actually...` - she struggled to string a sentence together. Her mouth was dry and she poured herself a drink. Her mind was still figuring out what to say but she could not find the right words. _There's a girl upstairs. I like her but didn't know how to tell you. That's why I lied to you the other day. Please don't hate me._

`Would you stop it now!` - she yelled as she caught a glimpse of Rindy playing with her food. Her tone was more stern than she perhaps intended. Carol was annoyed and irritated, this morning wasn't proceeding the way she thought it would. She sensed her lies were just about to catch up with her.

`Abby, there's something I need to...` -there was a trace of nervousness in her voice.

`Good morning` - Therese stood leaning on the doorway. `Sorry I slept so long`.

Carol swallowed hard, her heart skipped a beat. The cat was out of the bag.

`Abby, this is Therese Belivet. Therese, this is my best friend Abby Gerhard` - she pierced an uncomfortable silence with very formal introductions and reached for her cigarette case. Abby turned to Carol and gave her a look that spoke a thousand words. Her look was a cocktail of suspicion, intrigue, disappointment, anger and , Carol knew her well enough to notice this, jealousy.

`Nice to meet you, Therese` - she said. `Did you sleep well?`

Therese didn't know Abby well enough to sense her sarcasm but Abby's mockery stung Carol. A clear manifestation Abby was indeed hurt. By what exactly Carol didn't know.

`Likewise. Yes, I did. Must be the country air.` - Therese said sheepishly.

Embarrassed and annoyed by the situation, Carol sat in silence and wished she'd be left alone. Her thoughts were a jumble and she needed time to fix everything she so effortlessly screwed up.

`What do you do Therese?` - Abby asked. Carol wondered if Abby would've rephrased this 'Who are you? What are you doing in Carol's house?` if she could. Luckily, she had the decency not to. Abby had her eyes fixed on Therese, scrutinizing her every move, every nervous hand gesture she made. Carol caught her giving Therese a once-over as if she was trying to figure out who this creature was and what is she planning.

`I work at Frankenberg's` - Therese looked embarrassed. Working at a toy department wasn't something to be proud of.

`And that was where we've met. Therese sent me a Christmas card, how very nice of her isn't it?` - Carol interrupted. She suddenly remembered her dream and felt the same tingling in her fingertips. She barely smiled.

`I see. Were you obliged?` - Abby turned to Therese.

`No, of course not` - Therese's facial expression hinted she was confused by the question and didn't know what it meant exactly.

`I'm just kidding. It is very nice of you. I personally don't bother with cards, mainly because I never know what to write in them aside the banality of 'Wishing you a very Merry Christmas'.` Irony was, Therese wrote the same 'banality' in the card for Carol.

`Do you have anything nice planned for Christmas Therese?` - Abby seemed to be genuinely interested.

`I don't know yet`

`No kidding! Christmas is in two days and you don't know yet, that's bold. Me and Carol are having Christmas dinner and drinks in town. Is that right? Carol, you haven't changed your mind, have you? - for a second Carol thought Abby was going to invite Therese to join them.

`No. Everything is as planned`

`Good. Just checking. She does that you know` - she was now talking to Therese. `We make plans and she changes her mind. Typical Carol`

`Don't exaggerate. Only a couple of times it happened. I had reasons` - Carol said as a matter-of-factly.

`You always do!` - Abby laughed. `Anyway, I'm gonna run. I thought you were alone Carol, but seems like you don't need me here. I'll leave you two in peace` - she put emphasis on _you_ _two_. Carol didn't appreciate this dig and gave her a disapproving look. Abby had no right to make such remark.

`I should get going too. I'll call a cab` - Therese stood up.

`A cab? Hello? I've got my car. I'll drive you, just tell me where to? New York?`

Carol was surprised by Abby's approach. She planned on driving Therese home herself, but since Abby had offered it didn't seem such a bad idea. Besides, today was her last day with Rindy before Harge picks her up, and she wanted to spend as much time with her as she could.

`You really don't have to. I can catch a train` - Therese hesitated to accept the offer.

`Don't be silly, I really don't mind. We can play charades all the way back!` - she laughed and reached for her bag.

`Bye darling` - she kissed Carol on the cheek. `I'll call you later` - a whisper in her ear. `I'll see you outside Therese.`

`Bye` - Carol said.

* * *

`I'm so sorry, I didn't know she was coming, otherwise I would've...` - she broke off.

`It's fine. Once again, thank you for letting me stay. And thanks for the breakfast` - she smiled. It was a beautiful smile.

`You have to excuse Abby. She can sometimes be... _funny` -_ out of order was what she wanted to say. `Perhaps you want _me_ to drive you home?` - truth was she didn't want her to go.

`Honestly I'm fine. I should...` - Therese hanged back as if she didn't want to leave herself.

`Thereeeeese!` - Abby shouted from the top of her lungs.

`Say bye to Rindy for me.` - Therese moved towards the door.

`Will do.` - a beat. `See you again?`

Therese gave her a hardly visible nod. An endearing little grin appeared on Carol's face.

`Thanks for driving her home, very nice of you.` - Carol thanked Abby over the telephone.

`Not a big deal. I was so pissed off with you this morning but then I thought – this is quintessentially you, fey and full of secrets. You've always been. But that doesn't make it right to lie, you hear me?` - Abby was moralizing.

`I know Abby, I know. I'm sorry. I just couldn't find the words`

`I must admit she's a very attractive _girl._ But have you lost your mind?`

`I don't know what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling or what I'm doing Abby. How tragic is that?`

`I just want to be sure that you won't get hurt`

`You can't be. No one can be sure.`

`What I mean, she is very young. She's what, twenty? Is she even twenty?`

`What difference does it make, age is of no relevance`

`Experience comes with age Carol. Does she feel the same way about you? I suppose she does, otherwise she wouldn't share a bed with you, would she...`

`Abby...nothing happened last night so please don't make such assumptions. I don't even know if it ever will. I'm confused more than anything, really need some time to think. Can we talk tomorrow? I'm tired`

`Sure. Get some rest.` - a pause. `And Carol...`

`Yeah?`

`Don't fall madly in love would ya?` - Abby attempted a joke.

`Goodnight Abby` - she put the phone down. _Was it too late?_ she thought.

* * *

'For the last time Harge! I have no intentions of going with you!' - his persistence was really getting on her nerves.

'What are you going to do? Spend Christmas with Abby instead of Rindy ? Is that who you chose over your own daughter?' - he was so close, she felt him breathing in her face.

'Don't you dare blackmailing me with this Harge! You know how much I...'

'Then come with us! Go pack a bag!

'It's over! We're over!' - her voice roared.

He grabbed her wrist. 'You listen to me now' - his voice was filled with anger. She'd never seen him so out of control.

'Let go of me, it hurts' - she tried to set herself free.

'You're still my wife Carol and you're coming with us, you hear me?'

'I'll go get Rindy's bag. You calm yourself down, I don't want her to see you like this.' - she said calmly as if she never heard his command. 'Will you let go of me now?'

He released her wrist, his eyes filled with rage, never left hers. His ego was hurt. His own wife didn't obey him.

'Fine. But this is not over Carol'

'Oh it's over Harge. Finished. Done.'

Overcome with grief she watched the car leave. Seeing Rindy wave from the back window was excruciating.


	9. Chapter 9

6.40pm. Carol lighted a cigarette. It was too early to knock on Therese's door. She nervously moved back and forth on the street. 6.46pm. She checked her watch again. Only six minutes had passed. Waiting was one of the things she loathed the most. Seconds later she rang the bell. A quick hand brush through her hair and a deep breath later she was ready to meet Therese once again.

`Good evening` - Carol said as the door opened. Therese stood with her back pressed against the wall in a narrow poorly lit corridor.

`Hello. Come in` - she said and cued her towards the stairwell.

From what Carol could see the apartment was indeed very small yet it had a pleasant feel. All common necessities were there, still it looked very minimalistic. Carol took her coat off and sat down in one of the two chairs by the window with heavy maroon drapes covering it completely. She noticed how clean the apartment was,not that it mattered at all, it's not like she came in to do an inspection.

Therese stood in the doorway for a moment. `Would you like a drink?` - she then moved towards the fridge.

`That sounds divine`- Carol indeed needed a drink, she felt somewhat nervous.

Shortly Therese reached her hand out to give Carol a beer and their hands touched just for a second. Carol hoped the touch was deliberate. Truth to be told, Carol disliked beer, however she wasn't expecting cocktails either. Therese took a seat next to Carol and raised her bottle.

`Cheers!` - her voice was lively.

`Cheers` - Carol took a sip and tried not to frown. The taste of beer was as revolting as she remembered.

Carol watched Therese fidgeting in her chair, her fingers circling the rim of the beer bottle, her short nails scrapping the label. Carol couldn't work out whether she was excited or anxious.

`Do you mind if I smoke?` - Carol reached out for her cigarettes.

`No, of course not. In fact, I'll have one myself if that's OK?`

`Please do`

Another bottle or two and few cigarettes later Carol noticed a pleasant change in Therese. There was something different about her. It could've been alcohol or the comfort of her own home but the fidgeting was gone, she seemed relaxed and confident unlike Therese Carol saw at their previous get-together's. She even looked different – top to bottom - as if Carol was seeing her for the first time. Carol saw her lips move but no words we audible. Her eyes were engaged in appreciating Therese's physique, her mind capturing every single detail, every feature, every aspect of her being and for the first time Carol thought of what it would be like to kiss her. Would she mind? She pictured holding Therese's face in her hands, her lips gently brushing against hers, hands caressing Therese's shoulders, slowly stroking her bare back. Carol imagined smelling her hair, her neck... It was all coming back to her now, the time she and Abby made love the first time all those years ago, and how sublime it was. She desired to feel that way again, with Therese, and perhaps it'd be more perfect this time, if it was at all possible.

`Carol?` - Therese's voice drew her back from her fantasy.

`Sorry, what did you say?` - Carol was so embarrassed she looked away.

`Would you like another beer?` - Therese had her eyes fixed on Carol as if she knew exactly what Carol was thinking just then. Carol swallowed hard and ,instead of an answer, gave her a nod.

Therese got up and moved towards the fridge. Photographs pinned on the wall caught Carol's attention. To her amazement a picture of her in the tree lot, taken the other day, was there too.

`Who is _she_?` - Carol said playfully pointing at it.

Therese turned her head.

`Ah, just someone I know` - she said flirtatiously. Carol admired that side of Therese.

`She's beautiful` - she smiled.

`She is. _Very_ beautiful in fact` - Therese said and sat down again. Carol could've sworn Therese's chair have moved, as if some invisible force was pushing it towards her. The distance was disappearing between them and such close proximity was making Carol's heart beat like crazy.

A sudden knock on the door frightened Therese, she jumped off her chair and nearly spilled her drink. _Who the hell is it? Is she expecting someone?_ Carol wondered but didn't move a muscle. Whoever it was, they interrupted a perfect moment and to say she was annoyed would've been an understatement. As if they were destined to be interrupted. Therese moved hesitantly towards the door. Her uncertainty suggested she wasn't expecting anyone this evening. It was Richard. Carol remained seated in her chair and waited for him to come say hello. She barely heard Therese and him exchange a couple of words at the door.

'Richard Semco, how do you do?' - he took his hat off and shook Carol's hand. She saw a hint of suspicion is his eyes.

'Richard, this is Mrs Aird' - Therese jumped in, her fidgeting and nervousness present anew.

'Nice to meet you Richard' - Carol was polite but not overly pleasant in her response mainly because of his unexpected appearance.

'Am I interrupting anything?' - his eyes searched for the clues around the table. He saw the beers on the table and glanced at Therese.

'No, not at all' - she said as if she just been caught in a crime.

 _Of course you do!_ Carol wished she had the guts to say it and wondered what his, or Therese's, expression would be if she actually said it. She lighted a cigarette and slouched in the chair, she was certain this was going to get interesting.

'You got any left?' - he took his coat off and tossed it on the sofa. He then took a seat next to Carol. He looked at her intensely. Carol's outlandish, voguish clothes probably got him wondering who she was, after all she didn't look anything like the people he or Therese were friends with.

`Aw thanks Terry` - Richard took the bottle and gave her a wink.

Instantly, Therese's mood darkened. Perhaps it wasn't solely because he just called her Terry, abbreviation she hated. She reverted back to being reserved and sheepish. Carol didn't like it. She didn't like him being there and interrupting them also. Since she just witnessed how loosened and relaxed Therese can actually be Carol guessed why would Richard make Therese so tense. Was she uncomfortable with Richard finding them here? Did she lie to him about her plans this evening? She watched Therese hold her breath and her body stiffen every time Richard looked at Carol. What did Therese thought he saw in her? She reckoned Therese had told him very little about her, probably just the mere basics and regarded her as _someone_ she'd met at the store. However, if she hadn't told him anything at all, his discovery of a strange woman in his girlfriends apartment could've been seen as very inappropriate.

'What do you do Mrs Aird?'

'Please, call me Carol' - she couldn't bear being called Mrs Aird anymore, a constant reminder of Harge she no longer wanted. She didn't know how to answer that. Going through a divorce was mainly what she was doing lately, however that could not be characterized as an occupation. She hadn't worked for years, since the furniture shop bankrupted.

'Nothing lately... what do you do?`

Richard, in his mid twenties, after a recent promotion was working as a manager in one of the departments at Frankenberg's. Carol guessed it was him who got Therese a temporary job there. He was a handsome young man and, judging from the way he lead himself, truly cared about Therese. Why was she so edgy around him was a conundrum.

'Did Terry tell you about _our_ trip to Europe this summer?` - a smile appeared and his eyes were searching for Therese's.

`She did` - at that moment it was painful to watch Therese, silent and alienesque, she neither confirmed, nor denied their plans. Carol wondered whether Richard too saw reluctance in her eyes or was he too oblivious to admit that trip might not happen, not just this summer, nor never.

Richard had two more beers. He babbled on and on about his family and legions of uncles, aunts and cousins, his immigrant parents and their journey to the states, how proud he was to be an American, his job at Frankenberg's, his future plans and trip to Europe. Carol listened to him and found him, in fact, quite interesting. Much more interesting than what Therese had described him to be. However, she must admit, if someone would've asked her to talk about Harge, he wouldn't be described as the most interesting man either. Therese barely said a word for the rest of the night even though nearly every sentence Richard strung together involved _`Terry this, Terry that`._

Despite the fact that his stories were reasonably engaging, Carol thought it was the time to call it a night. After all she wasn't planning on spending the rest of the night speaking to Richard. Displeased with the way the evening was proceeding she reached out for her coat.

'I should probably run, it's getting late`

'No no no, I'll go. I have an early one tomorrow. Actually I just came in to say hello to Terry, but look what happened' - Richard laughed and got up quickly.

No look of disapproval on Therese's face. She looked relieved or did Carol just imagine that?

'Was nice to meet you Mrs Ai... Carol!' - he corrected himself quickly and reached his hand out.

'Likewise' – they shook hands and Carol felt his hand squeeze hers firmly, perhaps more firm than one does normally.

He turned to Therese. 'I'll see you tomorrow?' - a quick kiss on a cheek and without a further ado he was gone.

Therese shut the door and stood there for a moment. Carol got up and moved towards her.

`I should really run, it's late...` - every cell of her body was screaming _no!_. She didn't want to leave. Not just yet. Maybe not tonight even. But _could_ she stay? Just like Therese stayed the other night? _Should_ she stay? What happens if she does?

`Are you sure? I'd like you to stay` - she took Carol's hand.

Suddenly her knees felt weak. Her heart was telling her to stay but her mind carefully considered what if's and repercussions of her injudicious actions. To leave was the right thing to do she thought. Richard might check on Therese later on tonight and what an awkward situation it'd be if he found out she was here, in the middle of the night. What valid reason would justify her being here? Carol was getting paranoid. Fear of making things worse brought her back to reality. Reality that reminded her to be cautious. And even though it did physically hurt her to say no she hoped Therese would understand.

 _`Pull yourself together, don't lose your head about it Carol` -_ she mumbled and started the car.


	10. Chapter 10

Carol,motionless, watched raindrops fall on the windscreen. Soon her view was blurred, but so were her thoughts. Tears filled her eyes and she could taste the bitterness in her throat. She let the tears run freely down her cheeks eventually flawing her perfect make-up. A corner away from Harges house, like a stalker, she sat quietly in her car contemplating. Conflict was tearing her apart – does she go in and say goodbye to her daughter or does she leave without a word? A mother inside her screamed one should not leave their child no matter what. On the other hand, a woman inside her was fighting for her life. A life away from all this.

After an agonizing struggle she turned the key and slowly drove away.

* * *

Carol had packed her suitcase two days ago, that same evening she saw Therese last. The thought of getting away was circling her mind for quite a while. And that evening, when Richard spoke of France she was reminded of her own desire to leave. Leave everything behind, if it was at all possible, as if her running away would turn the clocks back or forward in this case. The idea of miserable months of waiting was too much to bear. Carol was now balancing on a dizzying path between madness and sanity.

She hid the suitcase under her bed, away from Martha's sight, she wasn't revealing her plans just yet. Along with her clothes and other necessities she packed Harge's pistol, the one he bought her years ago for protection while he was away on business. She thought he was joking when he brought it to her. _`What am I supposed to do with it? Shoot birds? Get this thing away from me`_ \- she remembered the conversation as if it was yesterday. Since the gun appeared in their home she was constantly paranoid Rindy would somehow find it and shoot someone ,or worse, herself. Carol would frequently change it's location around the house, especially when Rindy was going through 'the scouting' phase. Ironically, the intention of a gun was safety, however it only brought peril.

Carol didn't even know whether the bloody thing was loaded, or how to load it, but packing it for her trip West felt somewhat appropriate. _`Hope for the best, prepare for the worst`_ she thought as she wrapped it one of her scarves and gently laid it in the side compartment. Funny how her entire life seemed to fit in two medium sized suitcases.

* * *

She broke the news to Abby over lunch. Even though Carol had questioned her own motives a couple of times, she was certain Abby would understand.

'You'll let me know if you need anything, will ya? Anything! Promise?` - she proved to be a true friend once again. Abby would fly across the country in a heartbeat if she had to, that's the kind of person she was – always there for people and , sadly, often taken for granted. There was no need to dissemble her sadness, Carol's departure made Abby sad.

`I'll be fine, it's only for a while. I need some time to think. I guess. To get away...` - her thoughts drifted away.

`Does _she_ know it yet?`

`Therese?` - Carol's face lit up. Her voice was softer. She liked the way Therese's name sounded, she liked saying it. Carol, through all her life, had never met anyone named Therese, she was the _only one_ , period.

`You've asked her to come with, didn't you?!` - Abby asked after a pause as if a light bulb just went off in her head.

`Well I...` Truth be told Carol was going to ask Therese that same day. Just like that. No preparations, no expectations. She planned to knock on her door and ask. Ask to quit her job at Frankenberg's, give up her apartment, ditch Richard and leave her life behind just like Carol was leaving hers. Fat chance any of this would happen but she was willing to take the risk. She was leaving either way, with or without Therese.

`I haven't asked her yet`

`D'you think she'll say yes?`

`I don't know Abby, I really don't...` - she didn't want to mull over too much. Doubtless, the ask was enormous for anybody, much less someone you've met few weeks ago.

`My gut is telling me she will, not that I want to get your hopes high or anything.`

`Why do you say so?` - Carol wondered if Abby really thought so.

`Don't know, just have the feeling she might be stupid enough to drop everything and go with you. I mean, look at yourself, who wouldn't...?` Abby ended rhetorically. Her words stung Carol for couple of reasons. Firstly, _stupid enough_ sounded harsh, Carol never thought Therese to be stupid. Inexperienced - sure, but never stupid. Secondly, her last remark suggested Therese was only interested in Carol's looks, as if her feelings, if any, were only physical.

`Don't say a word to Harge about this` - Carol changed the subject. Last thing she wanted was an argument.

`What do you think? Me and Harge meeting up for a friendly rendezvous while you're away? Sipping wine and jabbering away?` - She laughed. `Don't be absurd! I have no intension of seeing that man any time soon. Plus, he hates me so...`

`He doesn't hate you...`

`Carol please. The feelings are mutual so it's fine.` - she raised her glass into salute.

`Do you think I'm doing the right thing? Breaks my heart to leave Rindy, even if it's for a while. I'm worried that Harge and his obnoxious family will fill Rindy's head with god knows what kind of nonsense while I'm away! What if she won't want to see me anymore? What if she'll hate me?` - her hands started to shake.

`They could, especially that old bitch, Harge's mother, but don't think even her would be that evil. I hope she has some decency left after all.`

`What if she does?` - Carol questioned as if Abby was a fortune teller.

`We'll just have to kill her!` - Abby's laugh roared through the restaurant attracting unwanted attention. Wary eyes peered at them as if they were indeed casually planning a murder over a bowl of soup.

`I suppose we have no other choice` - Carol smiled in return, she adored Abby's facetiousness. Her healthy balance of humour and seriousness was something to be envied indeed. Carol herself was either one or the other, she could never quite juggle the two like Abby did.

`I'm gonna miss that smile you know..` Abby's face suddenly saddened.

`Dear Lord! What is _that_? Right there in your eye?!` - Carol exclaimed.

`What?! What is it?` - Abby jumped in horror.

`Is that a _tear_?` - a note of mockery in Carol's voice as she laughed. Maybe she did have that facetiousness in her after all.

`Very very funny of you Mrs Aird`

`You went too far... No need for insults!` - their exchange was playful. `I'll miss you too, but let's leave the weeping for some other time, shall we?`

They parted their ways soon after. Both loathed goodbye's as much as the other, a casual hug seemed to be the easiest way to end their meeting.

* * *

Carol stopped at a post office to use a pay phone. She closed the booth door and her fingers dialed the magic numbers she already knew by heart. _Shit! Shit! Shit! -_ she slammed the receiver down. _`She's not home you idiot!`_ her mind was so preoccupied she'd forgotten Therese had a job. She reached in her purse in search for a notebook. Her fingers flicked through the pages rapidly, eyes hunting for Frankenberg's number. She knew she had it, she'd written the number down when she rang Therese the first time. Calling her at work wasn't ideal, however it was the only way she could arrange a meeting. _`What if I just turn up there?` -_ she wondered for a moment. _`No, that's lunacy. I can't do that` -_ she ditched the idea quickly.

Finally, there it was – neatly written down, on it's own in an empty page, away from other numbers and scribbles - Frankenberg's number with Therese's employee number 645-A. Carol dialled the number and waited. An ordeal of having to state the purpose of the call, give her full name, quote Therese's employee number, blah blah blah, was about to commence.

`Hello?` - Therese said.

`Hello. It's me. I mean, Carol.` - she corrected herself quickly.

`Is everything OK?`

`Yes, I'm fine. Sorry to bother you at work`

`You're not bothering me. I'm glad you called`

`Oh...` - Carol smiled. `Can I see you tonight? At your place? I could be there around seven?`

A pause. `Yes, of course. Are you sure everything is fine?`

`I'm sure` - _`I just missed you`_ she thought. `See you around seven?`

`Yes` - Therese's monosyllabic answer was all Carol wanted from her. For now.

* * *

 _`Yes. Yes. Yes`_ she couldn't get it out of her head and kept repeating to herself all the way home. 2.25pm when she finally got in. Carol decided a nap was the only anxiety-free way to spend time till she has to set off again. She laid in bed with her eyes closed and desperately tried to relax and hopefully fall asleep. Carol got up and shut the drapes, it was too light. She set the alarm in case she does fall asleep giving herself plenty of time to get ready. And by that she meant smoke endlessly and panic. Quarter of an hour later a light snore could be heard.

 _`Oh shut up you loud piece of crap!`_ \- Carol yelled at the alarm, she'd forgotten how abnoxious it's sound was. _`I swear to God, I don't know how can someone wake up to this every morning and be in a good mood?. It's tragic!` -_ she had the luxury of not having to be up early in the mornings, except the times Rindy would wake her up, however she didn't mind that at all and found it endearing.

She spent the next hour getting changed. She also spent a good chunk of time fixing her hair which was nothing but a mess. `God damn it!` - the hair was just not doing what she wanted, random strands of hair were sticking out here and there. _`This is what you get for having a nap. I get it`_ She eventually managed to fix it with a couple of pins and was happy with the result. It wasn't enough time to go through a full hair-do after all.

`I'm off Martha!` - she was long gone before Martha could respond.

Although Carol had not prepared a speech all she could think was what she was going to say, most importantly how is she going to say it. She moved towards the door and rang the bell. _`Shit! What do I do now? What do I say? Oh god, oh god, oh god! Is it too...`_ her mind trepidated with fear as she heard the footsteps coming closer. Was it fear or was it agitation? Seconds later the door opened and there she was – Therese, the cause of Carol's heart palpitations.


	11. Chapter 11

That same narrow, poorly lit corridor that lead to Therese's apartment, was even more claustrophobic than the last time Carol was here, as if those walls were closing in on her threatening to squeeze the last breath of life she had left. She shivered.

`God, Carol, you look...different. Are you sure everything is fine?` - Therese had a perplexed expression on her face.

`Different?`- Carol asked but there was no answer from Therese. Instead, she looked at Carol with high intensity.

`Everything is fine Therese.` - her words broke the silence between them. Once again Carol delivered an intentionally false statement. She didn't want to lie to Therese, but didn't know to tell her the truth either.

`It's so messed up. So odd...`- Carol said and looked away.

`What is?`

`Life. In itself. To it's very core. It's so damn odd. See, when you're young...`

`You're not-`

`Old?` - Carol cut her off before Therese could finish. `...When you're younger everything is, or seems elementary. It's simple to make a decision. It's hard to regret. It's easy to mistake admiration for love. What I'm trying to say is your expectations are lower, you haven't yet worked out how the world works, there's that appalling naivety one has... And as the time ticks away you realise how different things are and how odd it all is, how it constantly changes and we have no control over it. For example, when I met Harge ten or so years ago at a party, I must admit, I didn't like him. Didn't like him at all. At least not at first. There was something about him, as if he had this aura of arrogance around him that I found thoroughly aggravating. In addition, there was no immediate spark, it took a good while for the feelings to develop. And when it did, it wasn't anything what poems are written about, butterflies and all that. It always felt there could be more you know. Like a continual circle, chasing something or someone, even though you know damn well you won't succeed; and just as you think you grasped it, it then slips away from your fingertips. I must've known he wasn't the person for me, I _had_ to know...

And then what did I do? I married him. Isn't that funny and tragic at the same time? Just look where we are now – mid through a divorce which, I'm sure, will get ugly; Harge is not an easy man to divorce, plus there's Rindy... Here we are tearing our lives apart, lives that once were... You see what I mean? My younger self somewhat found the life of being Mrs Aird, with or without love, apt. What does that say about me? Am I an easy game? It takes courage to recognise the real as opposed to the convenient, and my failed marriage is a manifest of my lack of it.` - what followed was Carol's soliloquy, as if she spoke to herself regardless of any hearers, as if Therese wasn't there. Her speech was far from eloquent - sporadic sentences, frequent silences between the words, drifted thoughts – yet very intimate, honest and poignant at times. Carol felt naked in front of Therese but knew she could let herself go completely without the fear of being judged or pitied.

`We got married in spring. Abby, of course, was my bridesmaid. Her groomsman was Harge's cousin Gary, spoiled rich kid from California and let's just say they didn't have good chemistry mainly because all he talked about was money – _my this, my that, my other._ Sure, financial security is important but is that all? What does wealth, new cars, houses, fancy clothes and trips abroad really mean? Does it somehow make you better than anyone else? Ironically, he inherited all his wealth he was gloating over after his grand father passed away. What an ass hole he was. His bloated ego was hurt when Abby told him he can't afford her. I'd pay to see that bewildered expression of his once again.

I remember walking down the aisle, shaking like a leaf, my heart beat so fast I thought it'll jump out of my chest before I make it to the altar. I've never told this to anybody, but I must admit – I wasn't nervous because it was my wedding day, happiest day in one's life some people call it, not because I couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with my chosen one, or someone who chose me, but simply because I was scared. Scared I was making a mistake and that it was too late to do anything about it. Isn't it the worst thought one could have at _that_ moment?

Harge's parents gave us half the money we needed for the house as a wedding gift and in the late summer we moved in. His mother made constant effort to remind me it was _her_ I needed to thank for having a roof above my head. I honestly don't know what her problem was, and still is, with me. I suppose I didn't live up to her expectations whatever they were. I've never met anyone so deeply conservative in my entire life. Anything that doesn't conform to her own version of society norms is classed as outrageous and must be fought. Narrow minded, miserable old prune. What a shame Rindy got her as a grand mother.

Anyway, the house was a nice big one. I chose the décor all by myself for the entire house because, well, I had to really. Harge was, and I quote, 'too busy and couldn't give a damn' about it. As long as you pick 'normal' colours, do whatever you want with it he said. What is normal? Isn't it just a word in a dictionary anyway? Isn't normal something to get away from, not something to aspire to? So, I went and picked every colour, every stick of furniture, every rug, every fabric, every plate and fork for that house. The house you saw is all me, my heart and soul. Decorating led me into meeting Mrs Anderson, an owner of a furniture shop in Manhattan, lovely lady in her late sixties. We soon became friends. Later on, by a fluke, me and Abby took over the directorship of the shop and I absolutely adored it. I couldn't be happier. I felt I found something to do with my life, to fill the void so to speak. Both me and Abby gave ourselves completely and for a year or two we were doing really well. _We're flying!_ Abby would say frequently. Harge, on the other hand and despite the fact his wife was buoyant , found himself very dissatisfied. He never wanted me to work you know? For him, the idea of his wife, Mrs H.F Aird , labouring in a furniture shop was scandalous. He'd preferably have me at home, as if I was some sort of trophy, an accessory to sit nicely on his mantelpiece. None of his friends wives worked, so rather than me doing what I actually like, he wanted me to attend all those excruciating tea parties every Tuesday afternoon in order to not only please him but also to support his social status. You have no idea how alienesque I felt being surrounded by those snobs who were 'discussing serious matters and issues' while in reality all they did was gossip and criticize the ones outside their eminent circle. I simply didn't fit you know? Did you ever feel like that? Don't answer that, your eyes says it all...`

`Shortly, to mine and Abby's dismay, the shop bankrupted. We just couldn't keep up with the competitors. I was devastated. I think I still am. I loved that little shop. I got the feeling Harge was delighted it happened, even though he must've known how much it meant to me.

There I was - a full time house-sitter again, all alone in the house with no actual occupation. I was going mad. Since he got the promotion at the firm, he spent less and less time at home, then the business trips started. I spent more time with our housekeeper than my husband, isn't that silly? What kind of marriage is that? Him being away so much really drove us apart. I wondered what was the point in all this? I was depressed and alcohol was the only cure for my despair. I'd find myself, sometimes as early as noon, already sipping my second, sometimes third Martini. What else was I going to do? Harge didn't even like me having Abby around. She was filling my head with the _wrong kind of ideas_ he'd say. I never asked him to elaborate on what he thought those ideas were. I'd sometimes wonder who was more delusional – me or him. Can I smoke?` - she reached for a cigarette.

`Sure`

`Don't take this the wrong way, there were happy days too... Not enough sadly. He took some time off work while I was pregnant with Rindy and I thought – this is not too bad, you know, we will work things out. And it did get better. At least for a while. I couldn't ask for a better father for Rindy, if at least half the children had fathers like Harge, a world would be a better place.

By the time Rindy was two me and Harge became strangers, our so called marriage was nothing more than a sister-brother relationship. The flames eventually went out. I didn't see him as my husband, as a man anymore. Rindy's father was the only role he played. I asked him to move on to one of the guest rooms, there was no point to share a bedroom and Rindy was too little to ask questions why mommy and daddy are not sleeping in the same bed. It was a great battle, but I won. Enormously displeased he soon occupied the guest room. We argued a lot over this and it became our daily routine. He kept insisting we work things out and claimed it to be 'just a phase' while I kept drifting further and further away. I didn't want Rindy to grow up seeing us like this, so I filed for divorce. Perhaps it's all my fault? I don't know. _I_ could've tried more. _I_ could've given more. Maybe I'm seeking things I can't have, but aren't we all? Isn't that odd...?` - Carol slouched in a chair and closed her eyes.

Therese, all this time, sat patiently taking in every word, not once her eyes left Carol. She watched her mood shift from happy to tragic, her eyes moisten with tears and then become fierce, her voice change from a whisper into a shout. That young, inexperienced, sometimes naïve shop girl understood everything. Or so it seemed to Carol. She didn't say a single word, as if she'd taken the vow of silence.

Carol opened her eyes and sat up straight. Their gaze locked for several long moments and she spoke again.

`I'm going away for a while. Would you...like to come with me?`

Long pause.

`Yes. Yes I would.`

`What did you just say?`

`Yes. I would like to come with you` -

`You have no idea how...`

`I do`

And just like that sheer happiness filled every fibre of her being and that moment, without doubt, was exactly what poems are written about. She felt butterflies in her stomach.


End file.
